Am I the only one with only 24 hours in a day??
Sadly, most days as of late, that’s how I feel. Where 9 of those are spent at work, 1 hour to just get myself ready for the day, 2 of those spent commuting to and from work, 8 sleeping (if I’m lucky)…which leaves 4. 4 little hours at home. Where I want nothing more than to just hop in a bubble with my husband and daughter. A bubble that mutes the world and freezes time altogether. But since one of those doesn’t exist yet, there is dinner to be made, dishes to be done, laundry to be washed, lunches to be packed, toys to be picked up, and various other things that I don’t have the time, patience or motivation to do, quite frankly.
And it all leaves me exhausted. It leaves me empty. It leaves me sad some days. It leaves me wondering, is this really what life is now? Was I put on this earth to just barely make it through each day, with nothing to spare at the end of each of those days? I’m sure the answer to that question is no. Reading the Bible every day clearly tells me that answer is no. My heart SCREAMS “NO”.
But lately, I feel like I’ve been dragged out to sea. My feet were just touching the sand and I was standing up, able to brace myself against each wave. And I don’t remember it happening nor did I realize it was happening but now I can’t feel the sand anymore. I can’t touch the bottom. I’m getting pulled in every direction, not able to fight the current or the waves. I’m kicking and kicking and trying to make it back to the shore, but I’m not getting anywhere. My struggling and my fighting seem to be pulling me out deeper.
And it dawns on me. I let myself bob for a minute and have a moment of clarity. I must stop fighting. I must stop kicking and struggling to reach the shore on my own. And it’s moments like this that really do bring me to my knees. It’s moments like this where I can get upset about how things are going and let it ruin a day, or I can choose to see the good. It’s moments like this where I can cry and completely breakdown to my husband and get it all out or I can stop trying to hold it all together and pretend I am managing everything fine. It’s moments like this where I can try to make it through this life all on my own or I can lean on the one who promises rest, comfort and hope.
I want to choose the latter. I want to recognize when I’m struggling, when I’m getting so caught up in this short (terribly short) life on earth and completely lose sight of heaven and all that comes after this. I fail at this more times than I’m willing to admit. I like to believe I’m not alone in that – as if that somehow makes it any better.
Today I choose to look at everything I saw as a burden yesterday, a blessing. The job that forces me to wake up early, leave the house while my daughter is still sleeping, commute to, and be away from my family for more hours than I’m ever okay with – I am lucky to have this job. I’m blessed to be able to help provide for my family. It keeps a roof over our heads, it keeps two new cars in the driveway, it keeps our bellies full (and then some), it keeps my closet exploding. And it will allow my daughter to be able to have the life I so desperately want to give her.
So to the woman who asked me – “Wow, I can’t imagine working full-time and being a mom. How do you handle that?” And even though what I want to say is: “A lot of days – I don’t. It’s ugly. It ends in tears. It ends in heart ache and regret and stress and jealousy. It ends in counting down the hours until I can come home again before I even go to sleep for work the next day”.
But of course I just smile and say “I just do it. One day at a time…..”